What do you say to someone who is working on overcoming betrayal?

First, take notice that the betrayal happened in the past, and that on some level the betrayal is no longer happening. This represents some type of relief; the event is over. The betrayal is an event stored in one’s memory. Do not dwell on these disturbing memories, putting energy into disturbing memories will only cause unnecessary upset. Recognize that everyone chooses who to spend time with based on their behavior, so decide what level of interaction you are willing to have with the betrayer. Be grateful for the good things in your life. No matter what the situation things could have turned out a lot worse. And finally, notice that feeling sad is the result of thinking sad thoughts, and feeling angry is the result of thinking angry thoughts. Except for the presence of these sad or angry thoughts you might be feeling just fine. Consider interrupting painful trains of thought, or dropping the thoughts all together, as these thoughts do not represent a helpful reality. You do not “have to” dwell on thoughts simply because they randomly arise in your mind. The exaggerated importance of painful thoughts is illusory, and to some limited extent you can decide to think about them less often.

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What do you say when someone does not believe they deserve to be happy?

I would challenge this person’s belief that happiness must be earned by virtuous external behavior, that somehow happiness is _accomplished_ externally. Happiness is a state of mind, a state that is partially under our control. Happiness does not necessarily depend on one’s actions or the _facts_ of one’s life situation, but rather it bears on one’s _experience or interpretation_ of their life situation, these two things are quite different. For example, you might see a snake in front of you (a fact), but experience wonder at how fascinating this reptile is and study it. To say that a person does not “deserve” to see a snake as a fascinating object of study, but rather must see the snake as a dangerous creature worthy of no other emotion but fear on account of this person’s poor behavior is nonsensical.

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Here is another installment of tips and tricks to cope with death or major illness.

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This is the second installment about coping with illness and death.

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